Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
