you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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