Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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