So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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