I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
