I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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