i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She needs sedatives and a leash
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
