i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
