I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
