Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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