Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
