bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Found the puke drawer
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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