You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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