I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
