What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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