i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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