Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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