I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
