What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
