guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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