New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
