Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
