conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
