best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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