you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
