just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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