Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
