i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
