Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
