Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
