i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
