I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
