Porn is love you can see.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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