Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
