There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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