apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
