i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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