I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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