I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
