I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
