you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
