I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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