I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
