She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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