Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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