I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
