genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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