Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
