best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
