Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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