she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
