After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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