Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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