I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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