I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
