So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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