i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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