woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
