Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
i've created a new STD.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
